i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
They have beer where we have blood.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
