Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
