i don't like sucking hair
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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