Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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