I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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