You're my little dorito
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
