Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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