is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just got carded by a ten year old.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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