He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
