The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
