Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We left the knife in your bed.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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