All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
