I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
