Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
