Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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