There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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