I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
