if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
