Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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