Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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