I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
