You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
