I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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