Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize