i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
