i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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