You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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