I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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