dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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