i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We need to feng shui this bitch.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
