If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
it's not cheating when I paid for it
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
