I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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