Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
