Already got asked if we're dating
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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