I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
