I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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