she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
