The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
