bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i used baking grease as lip gloss
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
