You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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