booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
His nipple licking is glorious
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