my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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