The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
