next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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