Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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