He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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