i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
