and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
