it hurts more in the daytime
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
