I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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