I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
