If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
