why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
