We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
