Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
