I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
