If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
